It’s 2015. The World Cup is over; Tendulkar is gone;Dhoniis gone; Dravid is playing a father to many Indian upcoming players; common sense and privacy have disappeared in the Indian state; Donald Trump is running for US President; but one thing remains constant – a pointless India-Sri Lanka cricket tour. And just when we were beginning to wonder if cricket was moving on.
Before we enter the whirlwind of nothingness that an Indian tour of Sri Lanka brings to the table, let’s take a look at why you should be wary of this series. Be afraid if you want to see your grandkids grow up to watch Bermuda play Oman in the Pakistani countryside.
1. Kumara Sangakkara, the last machine standing from the golden era, has chosen to play only two out of the three tests in this 1055-day series; which is to say he has decided to end his career with an average of higher than 60 (it’s 58 right now), after playing on the concrete bowler-killing pitches of Galle and Colombo. The third test, which will be at the SSC, where Jayawardene averages higher than 1585, could tempt the younger friend to come out of retirement and grind Harbhajan to dust once and for all. With all the senior stalwarts out, perhaps there is actually a chance of getting 4-day results in these India-SL tests. Otherwise the BCCI was considering letting these two teams play to death in a cage till a result was produced.
2. By the time Sangakkara scores his mandatory 1000 runs in the first two tests and retires, the third test could mean that Lanka’s senior most player will be Rangana Herath. They will be without a senior batsman, unless one counts the legendary Upul Tharanga. This could mean that India will walk over the weak Lankan side in the final test, which could result in legends like Sehwag, Dravid, Ganguly, Tendulkar and VVS committing suicide after trying for 20 years to win a series in Sri Lanka.
3. If Anushka Sharma decides to accompany captain Kohli for this series, she could be kidnapped and absorbed by the Sri Lankan government – which will be eager to make up for all the lost land, labour, resources and free permissions offered for the shooting of Bombay Velvet; unless the Sri Lankan film industry decides to hire her for a film to be shot in Mumbai. A biopic of Sangakkara, perhaps.
4. That Ishant Sharma is perhaps India’s best chance once again of taking 20 wickets overseas is itself a bitter pill to swallow – so bitter that it could be poisonous to the likes of Shami, Yadav, Bhuvi and Aaron unless had with tonic water, or a coke, or coconut water from the beaches of Galle, with the likes of Vaas, Malinga and Murali for company.
5. Rohit Sharma and Harbhajan Singh have made arrangements for Mumbai Indians teammate Lasith Malinga to appear as a mascot – if nothing, to inspire both to play like they’re playing in the league for Ambani’s star-studded champions. That way, Rohit will be inspired to score more than 20, and Harbhajan won’t go wicketless for 4 overs at a time.
6. The Pakistani team has refused to leave Sri Lanka after winning the test, ODI and T20 series there. They are said to be waiting for the Indians to come in and lose or draw so that they can claim they are a better overall team to this Indian side. Last heard, the Australians have booked their tickets to start an unofficial tour in Colombo.
7. The Australia ‘A’ team, which has been outplaying India ‘A’ in India, has been called to England to replace the senior team for the final test of the Ashes. Meanwhile, the India ‘A’ team is said to have sent their coach – a little-known senior stalwart called Rahul Dravid – to Galle so that he can play at no. 3. Rohit Sharma, who is slated to bat at 3 otherwise, is said to have threatened to unleash Pujara on Kohli if he is bumped down.
8. Sreesanth has been spotted making signals from the stands in the Indians’ practice game. When interrogated, he said he was trying to tell Harbhajan that all is forgiven, and that it was only a silly coincidence that newly-innocent Mohammad Amir was living in the same hotel room on the same bed.
9. A grand total of 800 spectators are confirmed for the first day of the first match at Galle. 790 of them are said to be school children. 1 of them is Indian fan Sudhir Gautam, and the other 9 are said to be Indian fans planted by Ravi Shastri with banners that promote beef, porn and FTII so that viewers are distracted from a potentially fatal Indian performance.
10. The two teams will play half a day of cricket before retiring to the stands to watch real cricketers like Ranatunga, De Silva, Ganguly, Tendulkar, Dravid, Laxman, Vaas, Atapattu.