Furiosity to the max: It’s Statham vs Johnson vs Diesel

It’s the battle you have been waiting for! Fast & Furious 7 will pit Jason Statham against the Toretto familia! It’s up to Vin Diesel and Dwayne The Rock Johnson to flex those pectorals of protection and stop this evil baddie (ever notice how they are all British…? Food for thought). But what’s the score going to be? Who will win in a three way battle between them? Let’s break it down. 

1. Jason Statham
Strengths: Martial artist, diver, tough guy, hard man and awesome driver. 
This Englishman is not one to stand quietly in a queue, he’ll take the queue apart! From Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels, to the Transporter franchise to The Expendables, Jason Statham has decimated the bad guys. He has used everything from fire-hoses, throwing knives, brass knuckles and high powered rifles. 


 

Weakness: Being English, there is always a possibility that he won’t fight on a weekend. Also, compared to the other two, body mass is a little low. For every blow that they land on him, he’ll have counter with 3. And also another weakness- he’s the bad guy! Hollywood hero rules demand a glorious battle with an epic finish. But he will get some shots in! 
 
Jason Vs Vin: A fight to the limit, speed vs speed. Jason has the edge there, but Vin has the fortitude needed. It will be MMA styled combat with grapples from Vin and ground-pound moves from Jason. 
 
Jason Vs Dwayne: The bigger they are, the harder they fall. Jason will win the first round. But noone can keep the Rock down. Johnson’s muscles are bigger then Statham’s head. The second round will be the decider. Two People’s Elbow followed by a Rock-bottom, only then Statham will stay down. 
But Jason will remind them why he is a hard man. 
 
2. Vin Diesel
Strengths: Ex-Bouncer, Dungeon and Dragon Geek, also known as Riddick in some circles, Good with knives and cars. 
Vin Diesel has taken on the biggest and baddest guys in the universe and come back. He is also the Emperor of the Necromongers ( you keep what you kill, the Chronicles of Riddick story-line) As a Furian, he is hard to put down. As a Toretto, he is hard to beat. Fast reaction times from quarter mile dragging and racing, will help him hit and keep on hitting. Fueled by his love of his family, Diesel will show why Diesel power exists! 


 

Weakness: Attachment to family. That makes him vulnerable if anyone is taken hostage. Also what if he runs out of gas (petrol, not the other kind)? How will he manage? And if someone rolls a 20 on a the D&D dice, we got a problem. 
 
Vin Vs Jason: First round to Statham. Vin will find it hard to make contact. Due to Statham’s speed, Diesel will have to just hang on. Once Jason tires out, we have a fight. Vin can then then grapple and  bring the pain. Finishing move: Arm-lock to dislocate the shoulder, followed by a head-lock to incapacitate. 
 
 
Vin Vs Dwayne: In F&F Fast 5, The Rock fought Diesel. Vin won that one. But now, Dwayne will know Vin’s moves. So we have a tough match. But pound for pound, the Rock has just become bigger. The power will be apparent. Diesel will have to do his best to weather the storm and hit Dwayne with a truck! Only way. 
 
3. Dwayne The Rock Johnson
Strengths: Massive, meaning massive! Herculean strength, competency in heavy weapons ( includes .50 cal M2 and Miniguns) Also combine that with GI-Joe training as Roadblock, we have the ROCK! 
Dwayne will have to push the boat out with this one. Capable of lifting and using a M2 heavy machine gun, he can do immense damage. Also for a big guy, he is fast. Very fast. He was a defensive tackle while in college ( American Football). That means fast legs, hit hard and keep on hitting till the offense just crumbles. That’s the Rock! Also WWE champion! People’s Champ! And the one man who really knows what’s cooking! 
 
Weakness: Once a lawman, always a lawman! He ain’t no vigilante. Also The Rock has to leave the theatrics in the ring. No place for that in the real world! 
 
Dwayne Vs Jason: Tough match! If Johnson gets his hands on Jason, it’s game over for the Englishman. But that’s if. Brawn vs speed here, and Statham will evade all blows. All it would take is one drop kick and Statham’s out. 
 
Dwayne Vs Vin: A rematch! We wants it! Come on! No holds barred. And you can watch the Rock show why he is the biggest, baddest, toughest out there. Train like a monster and that’s it. 
 
So finally in a three-way match, the last man standing will be Vin but only because the Rock will be helping him up. 
Tell us who you think would win. Also, don’t forget to catch Fast & Furious 7 in theatres this weekend. Get ready to be blown away!

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John Cusack is cool… That’s the end of the argument!

There aren’t that many leading men from the ’80s who transitioned well enough into the ’90s and are still awesome in the 2000s. With hit films that stretched all the way back to the ’80s, John Cusack has endured, playing the nice-guy, the nice-guy who is secretly bad, the nice-guy who is evil, the nice-guy who has to save the day, the nice-guy who hates his job. Hmm… noticing a pattern here. Never mind that, let’s take a look at this amazing actor and see for ourselves how awesomely nice is John.

1. The time when he gave away a glove
 
In Serendipity, John Cusack proceeds to pick up a pair of gloves and then offers them to Kate Beckinsale. Thus begins the topsy-turvy crazy and rather silly search for a book “Love in the Time of Cholera.” Also there is a love story in the background, but who cares about that.
 
2. The time he stood up and made a fool of himself
 
Remember “Say Anything”? The scene where John Cusack held a boombox above his head to play the Peter Gabriel‘s “In Your Eyes” for Ione Skye. By the way, the original song played while shooting was a song by Fishbone. 
 
3. The lines he has spouted
 
“ I gave her my heart, and she gave me a pen.” How many of us have heard that? The equivalent of “I love you”, she responds with “Bhaiya!”. Also due to the complete absence of cellular networks, Say Anything had the line “ I draw the line at 7 unreturned phone calls.” Try finding someone who does that these days. 
 
4. The time he took up kickboxing
 
Oh he didn’t just take it up, he is now a 6th level black belt in the sport. After kickboxing for over 20 years, we have a Cusack who will be going toe-to-toe with the legend of the East: Jackie Chan in Dragon Blade! Guess what, John Cusack has trained under Benny the Jet Urquidez who has also fought Jackie Chan. Cool huh?
 

 
5. His best mate is his best mate
 
Jeremy Piven and John Cusack have acted in a lot of movies together, but here is the cool part, John Cusack cut his teeth while acting on stage in Jeremy Piven’s parents’ theatre. Apparently there was a falling out in the past. But now, it seems that fences have been mended and hatchets have been buried. 
Here are some of the coolest movies staring the two of them: Say Anything, Grosse Pointe Blank, Serendipity, Runaway Jury
 
 
So that’s 5 things about John Cusack. Catch him, Jackie Chan and Adrien Brody in the latest action kung-fu movie Dragon Blade. What are you waiting for? Also tell why John Cusack is amazing in your words.

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Yahaan Sabki Lagi Hai: Film Review – Could have been better

The problem with independent films is the fact that they have a small margin for error. With mega production houses and massive budgets, you are treated to mass entertainers. An independent film has to have a hook to draw the people in. Yahaan Sabki Lagi Hai tries its level best, but it isn’t enough. The movie suffers from a script that meanders and acting that just seems to drag the film forward. It could have been so much better, it could have been one of those films that people could rave about. 

Yahaan Sabki Lagi Hai revolves around three characters, Kesang, Chandu and Bharat. The three of them are caught up in a series of unfortunate events that force them to think about their lives. Chandu is Kesang’s driver/manservant who seeks to improve his lot in life. Kesang is a happy-go-lucky girl, but with a past that just seems to catch up with her. Bharat is a merchant navy officer who wants to get married to the girl of his dreams. The three of them head out on a road trip together that just goes awry. Yahaan Sabki Lagi Hai shows us what exactly happens to them. 
 
An independent film has to make sure that there is something unique about it that makes it stand out from the crowd. Yahaan Sabki Lagi Hai tries to do just that. But it doesn’t connect with the audience. The story tries too hard to be serious and comedic at the same time. In the end, you are left with something that doesn’t fall in either genre. Instead, you will scratch your head and wonder whether to laugh or groan in agony. As for the acting, well, Varun Thakur and Herok Das perform adequately. However, Eden Shyodhi seems a little wooden. It feels like her first film, and that shows. The story has too many flashbacks and shifts far too often for a person to keep track. Combine that with the length, the movie just drags. Whatever interest you have at the start just vanishes. The soundtrack of the film is relevant and you are kept interested because it isn’t something that you have heard before. The use of cards to indicate chapters is nice. The ending leaves something to be desired. Directors Tina A Bose and Cyrus R. Khambhatta are trying something new. But in the end, you aren’t going enjoy the film. 
 
Why should you watch this film? 
A valiant effort, Yahaan Sabki Lagi Hai tries to connect with young adults. With some amazing shots and some unique music, the film tries to tell a message. Watch this movie with some friends and you might enjoy the madness. 

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Metallica songs deconstructed

We all dream about being guitar heroes! Strapping on an axe and raising a fist to the heavens and howling into the night, that’s always been the dream of anyone who grew up with the legends of Rock! 

And one band stands out of the crowd – Metallica. They have made their mark on the planet and once you have been exposed to the glorious-ness of the band, you are hooked. There is nowhere to run! Metallica has given us moments of sheer joy and ecstasy ( you know what I am talking about.) 
 
Let’s take a walk down memory lane and visit the iconic songs from the gods of rock! You know you want to! 
 
1. Ecstasy of Gold

Paying tribute to Ennio Morricone, Metallica delivers a song that sends chills up your spine. Once you listen to this number, the image of the wild West is seared into your mind. With epic notes from that drive the song to the beautiful solo and the crowd howling in tune, Ecstasy of Gold is a must-listen. 
Oh, by the way, this version was nominated for a Grammy
 
2. Seek & Destroy
 

 
A song from their debut album – Kill ‘Em All, Seek & Destroy has been routinely played at the end of their concerts. Metallica gets the crowd going to howl just 3 words in unison! “Seek” “And” “Destroy”. This song takes the oldies back into the glory days of thrash metal! Hammett and Ulrich give us a brilliant lead guitar and drum solo. Feel the spirit! 
 
3. Master of Puppets


 

The  power of this speed thrash song keeps you on your feet! Moshing to this starts slowly, headbanging first, then the pace picks up! As you get into the flow, the solo kicks in. You will sway, and close your eyes. Hammet gets your pulse going with an amazing solo. You can feel the pulse and that’s it! Hetfield’s power vocals make the song epic! 
 
4. Here, we have to take a moment and add the whole Metallica album. Known to the world as the Black Album and containing hits such as “The Unforgiven”, “Enter Sandman”, “Nothing Else Matters”, “Of Wolf and Man” and “The God That Failed”, this album turned into one of the largest selling albums of all time. It went 16x platinum and has had over 16 million copies sold worldwide since it’s release. Here is Nothing Else Matters
 

 
The power and lyrics of this song just transports you to a different world. Children of the world, please learn this song. Breathe it, live it! You will be surprised as to how relevant this song really is. 
 
5. Over here we have Fuel and The Unforgiven II: Both  seem to be on different sides of the rock spectrum. And when you listen to the both, there is balance hidden deep within. With Fuel, the song just wants you to floor it and rip a hole in space-time! 
 

The Unforgiven II: A little slower off the pace. This song is perfect for those lazy summer nights with friends. A few whiskeys and you are set. All that remains is this song. The lyrics are sublime and so touching, you are pulled in. What else can be said about The Unforgiven II? “Are you unforgiven too?”

That’s the list. A few songs from a rock band that has shaped our youth! We need to get back to the originals and feel the pulse of rock again! Till then, rock on! 

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If Will Smith was your best friend…

We all need a cool best friend. You know the kind, the one that makes you awesome! Not the one whom you call to bail you out, but the one sitting next to you in the cell. A whole lot of crazy antics in every life is instigated by that one friend. What about having a super awesome best friend? What if it was Big Will? Yup Will Smith, what if he was your best friend? How would your life be any different? Hollywood has given us enough number of buddy movies and quite a few of the epic ones feature this superstar. From rapper to TV star to movie star to all-round good guy, Will Smith has worn many hats. Who wouldn’t want him for a best friend! 

1. Will Smith would be able to give you epic excuses. For eg: 

2. He would be able to school you on the world of Rap

3. He never forgets an old friend or buddy

4. Will also knows the truth about life

5. He knows when to keep his big mouth shut:

6. He tells it like it is

7. He will give you the Bro-est speech ever! 

8. He will also call you out:

9. He can definitely upsell you to the ladies

10. He will dance the Carlton with you

That’s 10 instances where Will Smith would be epic as your best friend. So tell us, how awesome would your life would be with Will? 

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If Bollywood made Star Wars or Sitaron Ki Jung!

The world eagerly awaits the return of the light saber. With space noises, racers, Jedi knights and the Sith battling it out in a galaxy far away and long time ago (somehow the space time continuum is warped by George Lucas‘ brilliant brain. Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be a glorious return! What will happen? Will Luke Skywalker bring the Force to balance? Or are the events taking place after the canon? Do we get to see the Skywalker children roam the far reaches of space? What is Chewie up to? Has Solo become a duet? There are so many questions… Sqeeee (geek sound for excitement). Till then we have to think about the here and now. Let’s take a trip into imagination land, shall we? What if Bollywood made Star Wars? How would it turn out? Is there a hope for us? 
 
First: Location
 
 
The Star Wars universe would suddenly shift to India and the surrounding countries. Before you start wondering, lets break it down. As luck would have it, Tatooine would be changed to Thar desert. Firstly because it is a desert, duh. But mainly because it gives the Bollywood crew a chance to have a nice Rajasthan trip. The Death Star would be still be the same, but here, we’d have a small issue. It would be staffed by the tech-geeks clones. Their secret weapon wouldn’t be a planet destroying laser but the ability to call up everyone at the same time and make sales pitches at the same time. Imagine it, one billion people being attacked by telemarketers, the horror and pain would be insurmountable. 
 
Second: Vehicles
 
 
Forget the Landspeeder. Luke would be driving a rickshaw. Much like the speeder, it has three moving parts. Capable of darting in and out of traffic in any major city, the Landrick would be fast and nimble. But ultimately fragile when it comes face to face with the Sumo of the Dark Side. The heavy transports will be the old TATA trucks which would be disguised by lots of shiny foil. The hero would also get a special upgrade in between the film. He will get a super low slung car for all the chase sequences. And since it’s a Star Wars epic, no petrol or plutonium needed to power it. 
 
Third: Weapons
 
 
Now light sabers are needed in this world. But what if Bollywood made them? Forget the standard colors, you’d get every little shade of the rainbow. But the hero’s saber will be a jhaatak orange to match his pants. Also since every henchman can’t shoot straight anyway, their guns will stay the same. But don’t worry, the hero will get hit once. So that he can go and see his mother in her chawl. 
 
Fourth: Actors
 
 
Luke will be played by the latest boy-toy in the Bollywood scene. Take your pick, but there will be atleast three shots of him topless. To keep the ladies log happy. Leia won’t be his sister but his best friend from childhood who has come back to get away from the lecherous old creep, Darth Vandanum (who speaks with a pronounced villainy southie accent). Han Solo will be a slightly older man who’ll quietly fall in love with Liea, but he won’t tell her. Because he is a bad boy and bad boys for life. Chewie would be a dyed Pomeranian. And Obi Wan Kenobi would be Naseeruddin Shah of course. Who else to mold and guide young Luke. But Darth Vandanum (played by the great and funny Prakash Raj) will be his old rival. They last fought over Luke’s mom, and oops.. spoiler alert, Luke is Ben Kenobi’s son. Atleast that’s how Bollywood would play it out. 
 
Fifth: Plot
 
 
The plot would be a convoluted affair quite literally. But if we got the KJo people to do this film, we will have a ton of weepy moments and then the whole family comes together to celebrate the love that they share for explosions and space travel. But if Bollywood wants to make a masala out of this, we’ll need Rohit Shetty’s deft touches. From flying autos to sudden cameos from Ajay Devgnn, the Star Wars movie would beat us on the head with it’s hilarious laws of physics. And the music would be by Anu Malik, complete with “creative” lifting from John Williams
 
So that’s the analysis. Bollywood, what are you waiting for? Make this happen… We all can’t wait till December for laser blasts and light sabers. We need to get our geek on. Sitaron Ki Jung shuru ho! 

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Top 5 AIs of all time

Geeks of the world unite! We need artificial intelligence! Considering the absolute brainlessness of the world at the moment, we could use some semblance of intelligent thought. And what better way than to have it be created. What would life be like? No worries there, Hollywood has that covered. We have had monoliths, robots, sentient cyborgs, androids, self-aware programs, hyper-intelligent caretakers and surrogates. Imagine if we had some of these amazing creations walking around us right now. What would our lives be like? 

Over the years, we have had some awesome and imaginative A.I.s created for the silver screen. Let’s take a look at few of them. 
 
1. J.A.R.V.I.S: The perfect housekeeper and butler. Tony Stark‘s confidante and machinist and an all-round amazing Artificial Intelligence. Jarvis does everything from creating Tony’s suits to fabricating the Mark series of Iron Man suits. So yup, without Jarvis, the ending of the Iron Man 3 movie would be really hard to pull off. And if rumors are to be believed, Jarvis will be reincarnated as Vision, a cyborg who becomes an Avenger. How awesome is that? 
 
 
2. Sonny from I, Robot: Now, we all want a robot. Someone who’d take care of all our needs. And who better than Sonny. But wait, there is a catch. Sonny can reason. He has the brains to question existence and he proceeds to open Will Smith‘s mind to the possibility of AI. And also he is voiced by Alan Tudyk, a.k.a Wash!  
 
 
3. Andrew from Bicentennial Man: Issac Asimov gave us the three laws of robotics and this is best showcased in the movie Bicentennial Man. Here we have Andrew. Andrew is unique, one-of-a-kind robot who starts to reason and learn. He grows from his experiences and then he decides to become human. Slowly he takes strides in changing his appearance and then finally takes the last step. He chooses to die. Showing us that being human means being flawed. 
 
 
4. Samantha from Her: Oh Samantha. In the future, you will be paired off with an artificial intelligence who will match your personality and grow with you. By sharing your life, the AI could experience the best of the world. And you would never really be alone. But here is the twist, would an AI truly fall in love and out of love? What if that AI outgrows you? Would you set it free? Samantha grows and goes from being a voice to an almost tangible being. Heartbreak isn’t just limited to having a human heart. 
 
 
5. Chappie from Chappie: What is Chappie? Chappie is an armor plated robot who is part of the Jo’burg police force. But is he really? Somewhere deep within, Chappie stops being a robot and just starts to be. That’s the beauty of Chappie. He goes through the process of innocence and growth and identity, much like us. Thereby holding up a mirror to society. Who is really human and who isn’t, that’s a question worth asking. So if you want know more about this amazing creation, catch Chappie in the theatre. Sometimes, even tin-men have hearts. 
 
 
So that’s the short list of amazing A.I.s. We could keep going but hey, you just need to get your tickets for Chappie and see for yourself. Tell us all about it when you get back.

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Anupam Kher’s 5 iconic roles

Anupam Kher is a legend. Known for his pensive eyes, quiet demeanor and consummate professionalism, he has become the image of the ideal Indian dad. From Bollywood to international films, he has done it all. This is a man who has been a constant tour de force in the acting fraternity. So on his birthday, lets pay homage to a marvelous gentleman actor. And let’s take a look at his amazing body of work. 
 
1. Cool Daddy: 
 
 
Anupam Kher was brilliant as Parminder Nagra’s dad in Bend it like Beckham. He played a father who just wants what’s best for his daughter. In the grand scheme of things, he realises that he was mistaken. Soon he jumps for joy as his daughter turns into a football god! Plus he looks good in a turban, don’t you agree? 
 
2. Grand-dad with a heart: 
 
Who wouldn’t want Anupam Kher as their grand-father or their godfather. He was amazing as Prof. Pradhan in Saaransh. Grieving for his murdered son, he decides to help a young single pregnant woman. Such is the calibre of his acting, that the movie was chosen as India’s entry to the Academy Awards. This was in 1984, when collect calling was still a thing and STD stood for Subscriber Trunk Dialing. 
 
3. Wise father: 
 
As Mr. Bakshi, Anupam Kher gave us an Indian version of Mr. Bennet from Pride and Prejudice. He was brilliant as the father who loves and lives for his family. He can stand the shenanigans of his wife but he does have a limit to his patience. In Bride and Prejudice, we got to see a man who understood the way Indian culture regards women and their roles. He made sure we understood a father’s plight, for a daughter is truly a treasure of a home. 
 
4. Daddy Money-bags: 
In Ikke pe Ikka, we have Anupam Kher as a rich widower. This is one of the places where Mr. Kher’s comedic genius shines through. He takes this character and runs with it. He decides to cut off his three wastrel sons and will only accept them, once they have settled in life. We all need a dad like that. Funny and simple, Ikke pe Ikka brought a cool papaji to the screen. 
 
5. Doctor Feelgood: 
 
Dr. Cliff Patel made us think and smile. Now if all our psychiatrists were as awesome as Anupam Kher, we’d be heading for a session right now. In Silver Linings Playbook, Anupam Kher made us think about our insecurities and our issues. By giving Bradley Cooper insight into his mind, Dr Patel shows that a friend and confidante helps. 
 
That’s the 5 most iconic roles of Anupam Kher. A man whose sheer dedication to the craft has led him to be one of the most noted and revered in Bollywood. If we can take one thing from his incredible life, it’s this – one must be true to oneself. Happy Birthday, Anupam Kher! We salute you!  

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A firang’s guide to Holi

All is quiet. Too quiet! Out of the blue, a water balloon smacks you in the back of the head and some random stranger chucks a bag full of powdered dye into your face! Welcome to Holi, a festival where it is customary to assault the senses in every which way possible! Is this the first time you are witnessing Holi? Are you out of your depth? Don’t fret, we got you covered. This is a guide to surviving Holi with your sanity intact and also to getting out of it while not looking like a Picasso painting. 

1. Attire: The first thing you need is the right clothes. We suggest ratty items of clothing, the ones your mother threatened to burn and you said “No, give me my chaddi (undies) or give me nudity!” That’s first. Also try to avoid using anything that can turn sheer. No one wants to see your VIP Frenchies at 11 am. 
 
2. Drink: Now, if you are drinking on Holi, we suggest an alcoholic beverage to start off with. Dutch Courage and all that. If you are a teetotaler, chai will do too (to be sipped, not flung at random strangers). Also a word of warning to all out there: Bhaang! It isn’t a bang with attitude, it is a psychedelic portal into the inner consciousness. In other words, you get high! Mixed in with thandai (a delicious drink), bhaang will get you going. Effects vary, from dancing in the streets to communing with Nature (Not public urination… that’s a no-no) 
 
 
3. Activities: These can vary from the most simple to the utterly nonsensical. Holi brings that out in people. From hiding the bushes to ambush random strangers to dunking people in the pool, we have it all. There will be rain dances too. Before you think “Indians, yup this makes sense” No this isn’t a Native American Dance to the Rain Gods. It is a set-up where pipes are hung from above and made to leak. Turn on the water and lo, instant rain. That’s a rain dance. By the way, you need to know some Bollywood dance moves. We will come to that in a bit. 
 
 
4. Dancing: No Holi celebration is complete without the dancing. There are many forms of dance that you will see for yourself. You have the: a) uncle falling down and dancing in a puddle, b) naughty aunty in sari that you fancied when puberty just struck, c) the Bollywood exponents who have been trying to make it in the film industry, d) the embarrassed kid with his parents, e) the drunken Indian (characterized as the sprinkler-into-patting-the-dog-into-washing-the-dishes-into-the-mexican-wave) 
 
 
Try it. When all fails, grab the front of your kurta and flap, whilst jumping in place (Govinda’s step) 
 
 
5. Armaments {Weapons of Holi-struction}: Stock up on water balloons, pichkaris, buckets and color. 
Let’s break this down: Water balloon – any balloon which can be filled with water and hurled with deadly accuracy. Avoid below the belt at all costs. 
Pichkaris: Giant plungers that look turkey basters meets syringe. Designed to contain a set amount of liquid that comes out like a stream ( dirty minds, sheesh). 
Buckets: These are buckets. Nothing special about them. Use them to hurl water at people. Do not fling the said bucket at the person. 
Color: Packets of natural dye. Once daubed, they are guaranteed to come off after you are scrubbed till your skin turns from pink to pink again! Also, these colors get everywhere. Everywhere! So wash every crevice (again, dirty minds) thoroughly. 
For those who have the money, get your hands on some supersoakers. Nothing scares people, like the image of someone pumping away on their soaker. Let that sink in a little. 
 
 
Those are just a few helpful pointers for you. Enjoy the festival of colors and have a “Holi’stic experience. Also try the super special Bhang, but don’t say we didn’t warn you. Get some Pink Floyd and trip out! 

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Holi, or how hammered can you get with family?

 Holi time is family time, or at least it starts off with that and then descends into an afternoon of boozing and running. But the trouble is that you are always around the family. And getting hammered around Mummy-ji is never a good thing. “What will they think?”, Mummy-ji will ask. We never find out who they are, by the way. There’s always a “they”. Now if you are from certain types of families, there will be a certain amount of surreptitious drinking that will take place. From the whole “this is apple juice” to the “Kangaroo”, everything shall be imbibed. But for those without a clue, we have a a short list of life-hacks about how hammered you can get with family.

1. The Kangaroo: Get a 500 ml bottle of a soft drink. Add a quarter of daaru. Then mix gently. Sip and enjoy. Remember, it’s just a soft drink. (called a kangaroo because this fits in a pouch)
2. Bhaang-till-I-die: Oh Bhaang, of all psychotropic substances, you are the most lovely. Best to have this with daddy-ji and uncle-ji. Besides, it’s legal.
3. Apple juice maneuver: A glass of whiskey is one step away from apple juice. Two cubes of ice and a straight face, that’s the move. Also try to avoid sharing it with the kiddies.
4. Offer to get the drinks: This move works like a Boss. Get the daaru for the adults and have a coupla shots at the bar. Carry a lemon, some salt, all that remains is tequila.
5. Make jello shots the night before. Use the alcohol of choice and keep nipping into the kitchen for a quick slurp.
6. By now you might be awfully drunk. This is where your skills of misdirection help. Keep a friend who is drunker than you at the time. Once mother points out the “nasha”, just point at the friend and say “at least I am not him.” A slime-move but hey, needs must.
7. Avoid dancing. At all costs. Please. That’s the fastest way for the aunties to whisper “Kya peete hain, ye baache.” Sit on the floor somewhere.
8. Stay hydrated! By that, we mean drink plenty of water. Not get wet.
9. If caught by the aunties, remember the words “I am holding this for a friend.” When they ask where is said friend, point in the direction behind them and sprint for the hills.
10. Whom are we kidding? Get a bottle of dad’s favorite booze, sit down with him, make a couple a drinks, raise a toast and enjoy some amazing chewda.
That’s the list. 10 ways you can get hammered with family this weekend.
Tell us if you know of anymore.

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