The world eagerly awaits the return of the light saber. With space noises, racers, Jedi knights and the Sith battling it out in a galaxy far away and long time ago (somehow the space time continuum is warped by George Lucas‘ brilliant brain. Star Wars: The Force Awakens will be a glorious return! What will happen? Will Luke Skywalker bring the Force to balance? Or are the events taking place after the canon? Do we get to see the Skywalker children roam the far reaches of space? What is Chewie up to? Has Solo become a duet? There are so many questions… Sqeeee (geek sound for excitement). Till then we have to think about the here and now. Let’s take a trip into imagination land, shall we? What if Bollywood made Star Wars? How would it turn out? Is there a hope for us?
The Star Wars universe would suddenly shift to India and the surrounding countries. Before you start wondering, lets break it down. As luck would have it, Tatooine would be changed to Thar desert. Firstly because it is a desert, duh. But mainly because it gives the Bollywood crew a chance to have a nice Rajasthan trip. The Death Star would be still be the same, but here, we’d have a small issue. It would be staffed by the tech-geeks clones. Their secret weapon wouldn’t be a planet destroying laser but the ability to call up everyone at the same time and make sales pitches at the same time. Imagine it, one billion people being attacked by telemarketers, the horror and pain would be insurmountable.
Forget the Landspeeder. Luke would be driving a rickshaw. Much like the speeder, it has three moving parts. Capable of darting in and out of traffic in any major city, the Landrick would be fast and nimble. But ultimately fragile when it comes face to face with the Sumo of the Dark Side. The heavy transports will be the old TATA trucks which would be disguised by lots of shiny foil. The hero would also get a special upgrade in between the film. He will get a super low slung car for all the chase sequences. And since it’s a Star Wars epic, no petrol or plutonium needed to power it.
Now light sabers are needed in this world. But what if Bollywood made them? Forget the standard colors, you’d get every little shade of the rainbow. But the hero’s saber will be a jhaatak orange to match his pants. Also since every henchman can’t shoot straight anyway, their guns will stay the same. But don’t worry, the hero will get hit once. So that he can go and see his mother in her chawl.
Luke will be played by the latest boy-toy in the Bollywood scene. Take your pick, but there will be atleast three shots of him topless. To keep the ladies log happy. Leia won’t be his sister but his best friend from childhood who has come back to get away from the lecherous old creep, Darth Vandanum (who speaks with a pronounced villainy southie accent). Han Solo will be a slightly older man who’ll quietly fall in love with Liea, but he won’t tell her. Because he is a bad boy and bad boys for life. Chewie would be a dyed Pomeranian. And Obi Wan Kenobi would be Naseeruddin Shah of course. Who else to mold and guide young Luke. But Darth Vandanum (played by the great and funny Prakash Raj) will be his old rival. They last fought over Luke’s mom, and oops.. spoiler alert, Luke is Ben Kenobi’s son. Atleast that’s how Bollywood would play it out.
The plot would be a convoluted affair quite literally. But if we got the KJo people to do this film, we will have a ton of weepy moments and then the whole family comes together to celebrate the love that they share for explosions and space travel. But if Bollywood wants to make a masala out of this, we’ll need Rohit Shetty’s deft touches. From flying autos to sudden cameos from Ajay Devgnn, the Star Wars movie would beat us on the head with it’s hilarious laws of physics. And the music would be by Anu Malik, complete with “creative” lifting from John Williams.
So that’s the analysis. Bollywood, what are you waiting for? Make this happen… We all can’t wait till December for laser blasts and light sabers. We need to get our geek on. Sitaron Ki Jung shuru ho!