No summer is complete without a Michael Bay blockbuster. Guns, cars, explosions and hot chicks are staple fare in his films. We are treated to a smorgasbord and we lap it up. And this summer, we have the latest Transformers movie . Named Transformers: Age of Extinction, this film shows promise. Soon, you can indulge in the glory of massive explosions and gunfire. But until then, what do we do? I was thinking about it. What if Bollywood had gotten its hands on Transformers first. What would have been the result? How much would this movie differ from the existing canon?
Lets see shall we:
Every Bollywood film has a brilliant location setting. The idea is to distract us and at the same time, make sure that the stars aren’t mobbed on the streets. Now, for this edition of Transformers, Bollywood will need to think a little out of the box. So forget Manali, forget the streets of Delhi, we need the roads of Mumbai. The manic energy, the maddening traffic jams and potholes which are like wormholes. That is how the Transformers arrive in the city. For the long driving shots, we need to shift the camera to the Mumbai-Pune expressway. Complete with speed-demons in high-end cars, chicken trucks, multiple goods carriers, this road will be ideal for any sort of chase sequence for the film. Mind you, the film will need to be edited in such way that the audience should believe that such a road exists in Mumbai. Also the Transformers will never have any problem with parking. Because, a Bollywood hero never had to deal with a full parking lot, ever.
This is where things get interesting. Now,we all know that there are two factions of the Transformers; the Autobots and the Decepticons. Bollywood might take it too literally and just have the auto-rickshaws star as the Autobots. However, let’s try thinking a little differently. In that case, we would need to radically change the way we see these amazing machines.
Optimus Prime would be played a Tata truck. The old big one. You know the one I am talking about, the one whose brakes are always shot. The truck whose back tires are going in totally different directions to the front end. And since it is made of wood, Optimus Prime doesn’t have to worry about rust, but termites.
Bumblebee would be played by the Premier Padmini Taxi. The only car available on the Mumbai roads where the radio is the loudest thing, and yes, the backfires that keep occurring from time-to-time. In that resplendent yellow and black, Bumblebee would creak and groan as he moves around the city. Along with the colors, the terribly itchy seat covers would be used as enemy deterrent. The only problem? Since the taxi runs on CNG, we get a protector who runs on gas. Try not to smirk. Gas is a serious problem. You don’t get any get-up-and-go. And whenever it rains, Bumblebee could charge 3 times his normal rate to take you home.
In the Autobots, Ratchet is the chief medical transformer. But now, thanks to the wonders of Bollywood, Ratchet is a Force Traveller ambulance. All dressed up in white and two blue lights, Ratchet is sure to never get where he is needed; all thanks to the traffic he would encounter on the roads. The sheer size of this vehicle is bound to help when Ratchet needs to navigate the narrow streets of Mumbai.
The weapons specialist is Ironhide. You might remember him as a pick-up truck. But in Bollywood, Ironhide would have be played by an old Tata Sierra. He will now be able to roll around as he chases bad guys. At the same time, he will release noxious fumes from his exhaust. This problem is normal, since he is really old. But if we are being kind, then Ironhide would be a Tata Xenon. Our own foray into the world of pick-up utility vehicles.
Now lets see what would we get from the Decepticons side.
Take the big baddie, Megatron. The Amrish Puri in the world of Transformers. What would be his ideal vehicle avatar? I know… the evil garbage truck. The awful green one. The BMC monster of doom. This truck carries its own version of bio-weaponry. In the form of rancid rubbish and terrible stench, Megatron would be able to wreak havoc on the road. And since the garbage truck doesn’t stop for anyone, no one is safe. Everyone would be marked for death, or conversion into road pizza.
Starscream is Megatron’s lieutenant. In Hollywood, he is an F-22 fighter jet. However, in Bollywood, he would be a MIG-21. There are a few downsides to being this aged fighter. Firstly, the goodies would be able to hear him coming from a mile away. Secondly, he would have a tough time landing or taking off. Considering the whole MIG-21 gremlin problem. So Starscream would be the first ever flying transformer who would need flying insurance just to do his day-to-day thing.
In the Decepticons’ camp, they have Barricade. A cop-car who is out to subjugate and punish. But now, he has trouble. Once Bollywood gets down with him, Barricade will be a Toyota Qualis. Top heavy, and wallowing, he won’t be able to chase after his victims too well. Much like the current over-weight enforcers of the law. Also, he will be in the colors – white, red and blue. Not very frightening, but quite staid and vanilla.
The story would be a little different too. Bollywood would change the “More than meets the eye” story-line to “ Boy car meets Girl Car and goes to Switzerland, but cannot drive, since he only has an Indian license.” That is a start. There will be also a convertible Mercedes- Benz or Porsche who will be in the film. After all, Bollywood Transformers needs an item song and an item-car. Nothing like a Porsche 911 with it`s top-down, if you know what I mean… wink wink.
The movie would last 3 hours, atleast, where we would see all of Marine Drive and Juhu Beach and a little bit of the expressway, but the film will be edited to look like the road is somewhere in the middle of Bandra. Also the huge potholes will help the cars and trucks bounce around like they were dancing to a Yo Yo Honey Singh song.
The funny part is that we wouldn’t need actors at all for this. All that we need is the current roads, the vehicles, some brilliant stunt-drivers and fireworks. And, we are sorted.
And while we wait for the Bollywood version, you can catch Transformers: Age of Extinction when it hits a theatre, near you.
By the way, leave us a comment about which would be a cool Indian vehicle for Bollywood Transformers.