Bollywood Remakes – Blasphemous Rediscoveries

How do you perfect what is already perfect? The rhythm, the music, the contours, the connotations even if changed, will still be a part of perfection . However, its remake will certainly remind the recipient of it being an indispensable part of the perfect film. The philosophy, although true, is hardly paid any heed by the connoisseurs of art. By putting in a few new ingredients and spicing it up, we forget that the consumer is likely to recall the old taste and compare it to the remade product put forth which is surely going to turn likes to dislikes.

A wave of such remakes has swept the shores of Hindi cinema, there is a surge in the remakes of the cult films. And as the theory goes, likes turn to dislikes and these films often tank at Box Office, hence proving the point. Rather than looking into a filmmakers’ mentality of remaking these epic films, we analyse the top 10 disastrous remakes.

1. Aag (2007)

Originally named as Ram Gopal Varma Ki Aag, the film could have done well if it was rather named as Ram Gopal Varma Ki Bhadaas! Because it was that and a disaster of all time. If you were amongst the daring few who paid attention to this film, invested your precious time and effort to watch it, well, you deserve a Bravery Award (and RGV deserves a court martial that’s for certain). There is no arguing that this film tops the list of all time disastrous remakes the century has seen. And why, why we ask, did BigB  don the character of Gabbar Singh making him a Babban Singh (*sobs*). Probably, the only good thing about this film was an item song (Mehbooba Mehbooba), and hey, I am not talking about Urmila and AB Junior shaking booty to appease Babban daaku, I am speaking in the context of the mesmerizing voice of Sukhwinder Singh and Sunidhi Chauhan (albeit with an unnecessary VO by Bachchan).

2. Zanjeer (2013)

At a tender age of 10 when I first saw the dashing, Angry Young Man on screen, it not only thrilled me but made him an actor I will admire all my life. He earned our respect, our love and the stature of the Angry Young Man. The film made its mark not only for a relation it built with the audience but also for the relationships that bloomed between its makers and the cast. However, like a house of cards, the magnanimity of the film came tumbling down, the image of Angry Young Man shattered and we heard a shriek piercing from every Bachchan fan when some of us (I hope) dared to watch the remake of this cult film. The stance of Pran changed to the bulk of Dutt, the roar of Lion became the squeak of Raj and Bachchan, the fire-breathing dragon became… uh… well…no fire and no dragon, most likely a goose, Ram Charan! The film showed the geheri dosti between Sher Khan and Vijay when they showed the two playing a video game. (Imagine Bachchan and Pran doing the same!)

3. Agneepath (2012)

Now, that I write about this third catastrophe, I wonder why Bachchan films are ripped- off by wan nabe filmmakers! This was another Bachchan epic that made “Vijay Dinanath Chauhan” a household name. It gave us “Mandva” and “Krishnan Iyer M.A.” but Johar’s version just tore it apart. To top the treat, the role of once-upon-a-time-chocolate-boy, Rishi Kapoor was a slaughter. And it was this film that kick-started Priyanka’s career as a bimbette, she would only make this image larger than life in Zanjeer(2013). And with this our hopes were lying in pieces. Nothing can be more heartbreaking. A potential candidate like Hrithik and a magnanimous personality like Sanjay’s was wasted with this film (and so was our time and money).

4. Himmatwala (2013)

Lucky, that it stands on the fourth position, if this article was written a tad-bit earlier, Himmatwala would be topping the chart, hands down. What prompted Sajid Khan to make a disaster like this one? Sajid, dude, you faired well when you slyly took off with “Three Men and a Baby”, ‘dubbing’ it in Hindi as “Heyy Babyy” with leads Akshay Kumar , Fardeen Khan and Riteish Deshmukh, then why, recreate Himmatwala? Jeetendra and Sridevi hip shaking to “Taki Taki” is bearable, but Ajay Devgn? Horrendous is not an apt word, this film is top -notch funny.

5. Karzzzz (2008)

Boy, what’s with the number of zees’? These zees’ don’t give the film the much needed zeal, neither to the makers nor to the viewers! However, without being  harsh, this film has made a path -breaking point that there is no phenomena such as reincarnation existing because if it does exist then we don’t wish a reincarnation of the singer with a nasal voice King Reshammiya. Who knows if he does reincarnate, he might make yet another Karz where he pays the debt of the audience who watched Karzzzz. I wonder, how many zees’ will that Karz carry in its name?

6. Bol Bachchan (2012)

Oh, this film so reminds me of Basanti from Sholay. Too loud and talkative, the film shares its traits with Basanti but the film differs when we look at the script. Basanti was original, this film is a copy! Mr. Shetty, swapping the film names doesn’t change the script. With Golmaal franchise you created a niche for yourself and now end up stealing the script (of original Golmaal -1979) with Bol Bachchan. A pansy character and an English-speaking wannabe doesn’t change the reality. But before I can accept the truth, you’d say, with fortitude, that you don’t keep the audience in the dark for you have included the clippings from the original Golmaal in this film. See, I knew chivalry still exists!

7. Rowdy Rathore (2012)

There’s not much I can say about this film because film connoisseurs have seen the original and we definitely feel that it was better off without a Hindi dub and Akshay mimicking Ravi Teja. Nonetheless, the songs of the film are tadak-bhadak and we likes (*winks*).

8. Salaam-e-Ishq (2007)

A very bad copy, I would rather the makers of this film learnt some tricks of the trade from school children, they copy better! The warmth a love story that should ooze out, ceases to exists in this one. My guess is, makers were probably spooked out of love. “Love Actually” doesn’t show its presence in this film. It was just another film on the block, nothing cool about it. (*Weeps*) Pyaar Hai Ya Saza, Ae Mere Dil Bata,Tootata Kyon Nahi, Dard Ka Silsila!

9. Policegiri (2013)

To watch this film one needs to be bold and dashing just like its characters and having a Pilot’s license will come in handy. All you see in this film is flying, from carts to cars and bikes to bikers! “Saamy” which starred Vikram (OMG) does well not only with the daunting action sequences but excels in acting too. Policegiri, excels, no doubt, but excel, here, comes with a prefix, (and no,it’s not surf). The film Over Excels be it with the action, drama or comedy (comedy… err…was there any?). This film can be called a remake but it fails the certification level and hangs somewhere between may be or may be not a remake.

10. God Tussi Great Ho (2008)

Me: Really? If you are great then why did you serve us with this adversity?

God: There has to be evil so that good can prove its purity above it. Had the film been shot on the streets of Mumbai, you wouldn’t know how the city would look if it became Shanghai.

Me: The film was taken frame-by-frame from Bruce Almighty, you know? I mean, Bruce Almighty! The film had epics like Jim Carrey and Morgan Freeman. Salman Khan doesn’t come anywhere close to what Jim is!

God: (Laughs) They gave you Bachchan here and a free publicity for Aksa Beach, you must thank the filmmakers for that!

 

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