In the words of Calvin, “Reality continues to ruin my life!”. That holds true for all us dreamers out there. Remember the time you stood in a queue and just wished that you could travel using a teleporter? Or have you ever wondered what it would be like to walk into a bar and say “Gimme the usual.”? Such are the predicaments we mortals face. But what if your life was a Hollywood movie? How would it be different? Let’s take a trip down fantasy lane and by that I mean, leave the LSD at home, this is a thought experiment only.
1. Your day would start with the alarm going off just once. You wouldn’t need to hit the snooze button more than once. The coffee would be piping hot and breakfast will be on the table. As opposed to the current reality: No coffee, no milk, the alarm clock from hell and super loud traffic outside the window.
2. Now if your life was a Hollywood film, you’d always have hot water in the shower, no soap would enter your eyes and your hair will be perfect everytime you walk out. As compared to the reality of waiting for the world’s oldest geyser warming up and screaming when shampoo enters your eyes. And there is no way you can have perfectly coiffed hair if you have to travel by public transport.
3. Let’s check out the traffic scene, shall we? If your life were a Hollywood movie, just one whistle and voila, a taxi or rickshaw that will take you to your destination, no questions asked. Funny thing, real life is such a mega-b*#$!, especially when it’s raining, that’s when every taxi guy and rick fella gets partial deafness and blindness. And murder is illegal!
4. The worst part of reality is the fact that you don’t have a soundtrack playing in the back ground. Imagine how awesome life would be if we all had Hans Zimmer or Red Hot Chilli Peppers or even Pearl Jam playing Dolby style. Hanging onto a train with Aerosmith’s “Livin’ on the Edge” playing in the background suddenly seems awesome!
5. Hollywood has given us far too many cliches and one of the worst is meeting a random person in a bookstore/video store/sharing taxi/ bus stop and boom! Instant love connection! But try doing that in real life. Forget a phone number, pepper spray and a knee to the groin is what you’ll get. Come on, just once, I’d like a romantic Hollywood evening where the restaurant bill doesn’t make me take out a loan.
6. Oh let’s not forget the mundane task of shopping. Reality: The clothes you want aren’t your size, and ones that fit look like refugee clothing (no offense meant to refugees).
Hollywood Life: Perfect fit, every time and everything is on sale. Also, credit card bills, hah! Blank checks baby! Money for nothing and checks for free.
7. You will never run out of fuel in your Hollywood life. And no traffic cop will pull you over and say “ Tujha naav kai?” while sticking his nose into your mouth (it has happened, I won’t name names.) And your license is always valid, parking is always available and if you have to, a chase sequence will be held on empty roads.
8. You’d never be alone during the main holidays, if your life is a Hollywood movie. There would always be some series of events that get you the person of your dreams or a pet that will keep you company. As compared to the reality, family you can’t stand, friends you can’t ignore, people you can’t beat up and idiots you can’t accidentally eject out of a moving car.
9. A Hollywood life would also be amazing if there was a zombie apocalypse. You’d have guns and weapons, a peppy sidekick or three and a chance to survive. The reality is there will never be a zombie outbreak. Sigh, so much for feeding your enemies to the zombie hordes.
10. And finally if your life was a Hollywood film, you’d have the best lines ever. Forget ever saying “Um, er, kinda, like” and more. And you could have any accent you’d want. Instead of sounding like a baniya on your bad days.
Those are just 10 ways that life would be awesome if it were a Hollywood film. Tell us what part of a Hollywood movie you’d like in your life. Go wild and by that we mean keep it PG-13, folks.