Holi time is family time, or at least it starts off with that and then descends into an afternoon of boozing and running. But the trouble is that you are always around the family. And getting hammered around Mummy-ji is never a good thing. “What will they think?”, Mummy-ji will ask. We never find out who they are, by the way. There’s always a “they”. Now if you are from certain types of families, there will be a certain amount of surreptitious drinking that will take place. From the whole “this is apple juice” to the “Kangaroo”, everything shall be imbibed. But for those without a clue, we have a a short list of life-hacks about how hammered you can get with family.
1. The Kangaroo: Get a 500 ml bottle of a soft drink. Add a quarter of daaru. Then mix gently. Sip and enjoy. Remember, it’s just a soft drink. (called a kangaroo because this fits in a pouch)
2. Bhaang-till-I-die: Oh Bhaang, of all psychotropic substances, you are the most lovely. Best to have this with daddy-ji and uncle-ji. Besides, it’s legal.
3. Apple juice maneuver: A glass of whiskey is one step away from apple juice. Two cubes of ice and a straight face, that’s the move. Also try to avoid sharing it with the kiddies.
4. Offer to get the drinks: This move works like a Boss. Get the daaru for the adults and have a coupla shots at the bar. Carry a lemon, some salt, all that remains is tequila.
5. Make jello shots the night before. Use the alcohol of choice and keep nipping into the kitchen for a quick slurp.
6. By now you might be awfully drunk. This is where your skills of misdirection help. Keep a friend who is drunker than you at the time. Once mother points out the “nasha”, just point at the friend and say “at least I am not him.” A slime-move but hey, needs must.
7. Avoid dancing. At all costs. Please. That’s the fastest way for the aunties to whisper “Kya peete hain, ye baache.” Sit on the floor somewhere.
8. Stay hydrated! By that, we mean drink plenty of water. Not get wet.
9. If caught by the aunties, remember the words “I am holding this for a friend.” When they ask where is said friend, point in the direction behind them and sprint for the hills.
10. Whom are we kidding? Get a bottle of dad’s favorite booze, sit down with him, make a couple a drinks, raise a toast and enjoy some amazing chewda.
That’s the list. 10 ways you can get hammered with family this weekend.
Tell us if you know of anymore.