That is an evocative word. You hear it and you immediately think of assassins dressed in black, skilled in the dark arts, who creep (confusing word to use) silently in the night and who strike fear in the hearts of the targets. Didn’t you want to be a ninja when you were growing up? I know I did. There were days when being a ninja would have come in handy. Guess it is the fact that you can wear black pajamas and run around in the middle of the night.
What if you were a ninja for a day? How would it change everything? Let’s see, shall we?
1. Waking up (or getting out of bed) in the morning:
You wouldn’t have to hit the snooze button. One shuriken (ninja star, to the uninitiated and the non-nerds) flung straight at the clock would shut that annoying beeping noise for good. The downside is that you would go through a lot of clocks. But you would have some satisfaction that even though the alarm has claimed first blood, you took vengeance on it.
2. The art of lightening feet or Blink: No more running for the train or bus. Tap your foot lightly on the ground and sprint. The art of shun-po will ensure super speed of limb. A twitch and you are riding the dragon, or in this case the bus. But you will still have to pay the fare. ‘Cos the blink ability is difficult over great distances.
3. You can wear black everyday: The pajamas make for a cool style statement. You will always be comfortable. No need to change if you have to go to a night club, since you are wearing black, they might not see you walk in the shadows. And also if you are working late at night, you can avoid the boss person with ease. You are the night. But it would be troublesome if you are trying to cross the highway in the dark. I suggest velcro reflector strips, just for safety. Also remember to personalize your pajamas, you wouldn’t want to be caught wearing the same thing as your other ninja friends at the party. What a nightmare that would be.
4. The ability to vanish into thin air: For this, you need to use the dark arts. Actually, you get flash powder. One pinch and poof, you get a cloud of smoke. In those seconds, you can make your escape. Now for the difficulty in this. You have to time the smoke bomb, you really don’t want the smoke to dissipate while you are struggling with the lock on the door. This can also be used to get out of conferences and meetings. And in case of a really bad blind date, you can excuse yourself. Or if you are flat broke and you need to get away. (I wouldn’t suggest the last one, that is stealing) And remember flash powders are addictive, use only when needed. Don’t detonate every single time you feel like it. Flash only when needed (that sounded wrong, I know, bear with me) For all you boy-ninjas out there, the smoke can be especially useful when the girl-ninja asks you if her pajamas make her look fat. Grab a big heapful, detonate and run for the hills. And don’t stop till you find a dark cupboard to hide in.
5. Getting up tall buildings: Okay, medium tall buildings. You can avoid using the elevators by climbing up the side of the office building. No more getting sandwiched by a dozen others and inhaling their various fumes and scents early in the morning. The only problem with really tall buildings is that people will kind of see you if you happen to be carrying a ladder. Avoid ladders, try to use ropes instead. Bungee cords work too, but remember your weight limit. A big ninja is a slow ninja and chances are, a big splat should the grip fail.
6. Firing memos: Interoffice memos no longer need the computer, attach the note to a shuriken and fling away. Remember kids, shurikens aren’t toys, avoid the poison tips and always wear protective eye gear. In case of a mis-aim, use flash powder. Also nothing makes a point better than a thud and a shuddering kunai striking a cubicle wall with a note attached: “No one touches my lunch”
7. The art of disguise: Now that people have gotten used to you wearing black and creeping along the walls, you might need to think about using disguises. Most of the time you can disguise yourself as a rather large bonsai plant. Just try to avoid the dog park whenever you do. If you are planning on a disguise in the office, how about the water cooler? The upshot is that everyone will spill their secret around you. The downside, is holding a 10 litre canister of water over your head. Get ready to get locked up. You can even hideaway in the printer. It is harder to do so if your office is using a laserjet. Or even better, you can wear a checked shirt, brown pleated pants, suspenders, horn-rimmed glasses and just work at a desk. You know! Hide in plain sight! Doing actual work. With a fake name like Bob. Remember to oil your hair and part it down the middle, Bob.
8. Melting into the shadows: You can use this as the ultimate excuse as to why you missed that corporate get-together. All you have to say is that you were there, but you stood in the shadows. Silent but deadly (sounds like gas, but hey everyone has cut one or two in the past). Avoid eating beans just for that reason. Or gorgonzola cheese.
9. When you meet other ninjas from other companies: You hold your gaze, locking eyes. You then Eastwood stare at them. With the help of subtitles, you can challenge them to a duel. Time slows down and music reaches a crescendo. Then silence, you pull out your stapler, he pulls out his pins. Pins and staples fly around. The air is thick with the sound of battle. One blink and one slice, you cut him with a stack of paper. Paper cuts for the win. The death will be known as a thousand paper cuts of pain. As the vanquished drops to the office floor, you can return to your cubicle, you have brought honor and glory to the floor.
10. There might already be ninjas there: You never know, in your office, you might already have ninjas. How do you that they are there? They are ninjas. Masters of shadow, moving like the wind (the actual one, not the gas, stop with the alimentary canal humor) So try to find them. If you do, then you will be accepted into fold.
There you have it, a few reasons to be a ninja in the office. Get your black pajamas, some soft slippers and sharpen your blade. Join the shadows. And in case you can’t, you can always catch the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and get “Shell-Shocked”! Turtle power! Cowabunga dude!