Resolutions I just can’t keep

Note to self: Dude, you got to remember this.

January 1st:

Severe hangover. That is what I woke up to this morning. A 10-piece band is busy playing William Tell’s overture in the back of my head. That and I can hear a goat bleating loudly from atop a tree. What a crazy night it has been. Wait, is that a goat in the tree. How did that end up there? I gotta help it get down. But before that, I gotta hurl.

Now I have had some great New Year parties. But last night took the cake, and the bakery along with it. The last thing I remember is singing ‘Auld Lang Sine’ at the top of my voice, and proclaiming my resolutions to my friends. And all they said was, “Gee, what a buzzkill!”. So I curbed my enthusiasm and kept my resolutions to myself, vowing to be faithful to them this year. Long have I tried, unsuccessfully I might add, to stay true to my past resolutions. From writing them down on a calendar to downloading apps that track my progress, I have done it all. But all I succeeded in doing was tearing up the calendar and uninstalling the apps post my failure.

This year I plan to stick with my resolutions. Give me strength God, this is going to be tough.

January End: Lose Weight

One month down, and one resolution already broken. Winters do that to me. The first thing I vowed to do was get in shape by the end of January. I wanted to take advantage of the winters and lose weight gracefully without breaking a sweat.

So guess what I did throughout January?
I slept.
I tucked myself tight under the sheets in the mornings and I slept. And I got FAT!
It is like a cycle of laziness – I cannot run because I am fat. I cannot stop being fat because I cannot run.

And this is how every person reacts to my complaints these days…

February End: Be Romantically Stable

The month of love got me thinking about my current status as a single guy. So I decided I need to get back on the market and let people know I am all ready to date again. What followed was a long list of “Nah, not interested, I cherish you as a friend, You are not really my type…”, which to be honest, hurt. A lot.

But I finally did score a date on Valentine’s Day! What, do I hear angels exulting in heavens above? Maybe.

So yeah, we went to a nice swanky restaurant for our first date. I was the perfect gentleman, I pulled the chair out, I ordered the best wine, I paid the bills. I even got a gift for my valentine, who as it turned out, wasn’t interested in serious dating. You don’t say! Where was your courtesy when I ordered the Lobster and Lamb Chops? That does it. Dating is a waste of my time, money and energy.

April End: Save More Money

The beginning of summers got me really fretting about my dwindling bank account. Frankly, I went a little overboard with that date back in February, and have since then been struggling to keep my finances in order.

I cannot sacrifice my weekends. I cannot say no to my friends when they wish to hang out. I cannot withhold my salary from my mom (or she’ll throw me out of the house). And most importantly, I still need to pay my bills every month.
This is a dilemma of the highest order.

Where’s my money, you ask?

August End: Follow My Dreams

The worst part about staying true to this resolution is one question – How?

How do I leave my current profession and become an awesome air guitar player?
How do I convince my parents that I have a future in air guitar playing?
How much does an air guitar course cost?

Needless to say, by the time I figured out the answers to these questions, most of the year was already gone. So I figured I can always follow my dreams next year. Right?

November End: Be Batman!

Remember when I said I wanted to lose weight and save money? Well if I had all of that going for me, I would have fulfilled my life-long wish of being as badass as Batman. Instead I am sitting here in my awesome cape, crying into my mask.

December End:

Throughout this year, I have tried really hard to stick to my resolutions. I don’t look at my attempts as complete failures but more as being one step closer to getting some practice for next year. What I also feel is resolutions aren’t everything they are chalked out to be. I need to be thankful for things that are already happening for me, and will continue if I learn to be content with them.

It is now time to head out for another awesome New Year’s party.

And no, I cannot really disclose how the goat landed on the tree.

Bye for now.

Yours Regretfully,
Someone who sucks at keeping resolutions.

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