Could somebody please explain the logic behind some people’s firm opinion that Barbara Mori’s Indian fans are eagerly anticipating her re-try into Bollywood? Oh, let’s bring back an old hit where she sizzles and “cash-in” on her “glory”. Enter, Spanish Beauty (A Beautiful Wife), a Spanish film titled La Mujer de mi Hermano released in 2005 that has been ‘Indianized’ for our palettes because we supposedly can’t relate to global culture. If you blamed the language barrier for Mori’s disastrous plastic self in Kites, well here’s a movie to prove you wrong! The fact is even Barbie has more expressions than this doll. I’m still clueless as to what the Roshans saw in her.

Soniya (Barbara Mori) is the pea-brained super hot wife who walks around the house in black négligées and thinks its okay to wear them to church as well! Thank god for Mr. Perfect Hubby, Ishaan (Christian Meier), who sensibly reprimands her, caresses her, and gets used and abused as her doormat. She dumps everything he gifts her- from flowers to her cellphone- in their heated pool and he cleans up after! Of course, he’s not so normal either. His provocative wife’s endless efforts all end in vain. For some bizarre reason he curtails their intimacies to a ‘Saturday night only’ schedule leaving her highly unsatisfied self to resort to the next best option, her rebellious artist brother-in-law, Rohan (Manolo Cardona). Incest being a highly sensitive issue in our society, Rohan’s modified to be Ishan’s best friend. Unfortunately this change affects the entire subject. Why would a man care so much about his friend’s illicit relationship with his wife and not confront him directly? When Soniya delivers Rohan’s child, how is it that the baby resembles Ishaan? The entire screenplay is lost in translation.

Bemusing Hindi songs are forcefully ‘Cut-Copy-Pasted’ in, as though watching a Hindi film without songs is sinful. Watch Soniya eventually split from her husband and laze in a hotel bed absolutely stone cold, expressionless, unaffected and at times even smiling, while Doori plays in the background. To call it a misfit would be an understatement. To make matters worse, Soniya keeps twitching her lips and has a perpetually orgasmic voiceover that reduces the deep and delicate subject of marital bedroom blues to the thrills of a cheap C grade matinee.

Adult audiences fooled in by promos to see sensual seductive scenes will be highly disappointed. The censor’s scissors have mercilessly castrated the film and left it completely disconnected and boring. Munni Badnaam Hui running uncensored on Indian television is far more vulgar!

[rating:1]

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