Michael Clarke and his beaten Australian team have another test to go in the 2015 Ashes, at the Oval. They’re 3-1 down in the series, and the Urn has already returned to England. It has been a while since they’ve won the Ashes in England, and it looks like it’ll be a while more before they do.
With the ending of the old guard, and a bunch of newer, inexperienced players ready to take over the test mantle (they’re ODI Champions), here is a look at what the cricket team must do to win The Ashes by any scoreline other than 5-0, and perhaps win a series in England for once:
1. Abandon Shane Watson, Adam Voges and Michael Clarke on an island somewhere behind Iceland without a passport, money or visa, and hope they never find their way back home. Or to England. Clarke has avoided this ignominy by retiring before being exiled, but the other two are ripe for further humiliation in Test whites.
2. Tell Shane Watson that his Rajasthan Royals team has in fact been reinstated as an Australian franchise with white jerseys, and that the T20 game has been restructured as a continuous cycle of sessions over 5 days. And that there’s a hair-and-nails saloon around the corner of every ground.
3. Make Mitchell Johnson blow hot in England and cold in Australia – because, frankly, Starc has taken over the mantle. His inconsistencies have made it difficult for them to be a lethal combination.
4. Penalize David Warner a post-match beer every time he shoots his mouth off on the field. Or off it. Or speaks in general.
5. Allow Shane Watson a beer every time he asks for a review and wastes it. That way, he will never play cricket again, and will instead be sitting pot-bellied on a couch in the countryside.
6. Tell Shaun Marsh that being Australia’s Rohit Sharma isn’t acceptable, and that he isn’t a ‘young hope’ anymore at age 32.
7. Let brother Mitchell Marsh know that he is expected to be a mutant combination of New Zealand’s Jimmy Neesham and England’s Ben Stokes.
8. Tell Steve Smith repeatedly that he is a right-handed Chanderpaul at the crease, and that Joe Root, Kane Williamson and Virat Kohli have sleepovers without him every week.
9. Bring back Pat Cummins, Pattinson, Siddle, Bollinger and convince Ryan Harris to bowl with a broken body.
10. Tell the team that for every tear Michael Clarke continues to shed on television, and for every biased opinion Shane Warne passes in the commentary booth, they will be docked match fees.