What Australia Must Do to Win The Ashes back

Michael Clarke and his beaten Australian team have another test to go in the 2015 Ashes, at the Oval. They’re 3-1 down in the series, and the Urn has already returned to England. It has been a while since they’ve won the Ashes in England, and it looks like it’ll be a while more before they do. 

With the ending of the old guard, and a bunch of newer, inexperienced players ready to take over the test mantle (they’re ODI Champions), here is a look at what the cricket team must do to win The Ashes by any scoreline other than 5-0, and perhaps win a series in England for once:
1. Abandon Shane Watson, Adam Voges and Michael Clarke on an island somewhere behind Iceland without a passport, money or visa, and hope they never find their way back home. Or to England. Clarke has avoided this ignominy by retiring before being exiled, but the other two are ripe for further humiliation in Test whites. 
2. Tell Shane Watson that his Rajasthan Royals team has in fact been reinstated as an Australian franchise with white jerseys, and that the T20 game has been restructured as a continuous cycle of sessions over 5 days. And that there’s a hair-and-nails saloon around the corner of every ground. 
3. Make Mitchell Johnson blow hot in England and cold in Australia – because, frankly, Starc has taken over the mantle. His inconsistencies have made it difficult for them to be a lethal combination. 
4. Penalize David Warner a post-match beer every time he shoots his mouth off on the field. Or off it. Or speaks in general. 
5. Allow Shane Watson a beer every time he asks for a review and wastes it. That way, he will never play cricket again, and will instead be sitting pot-bellied on a couch in the countryside. 
6. Tell Shaun Marsh that being Australia’s Rohit Sharma isn’t acceptable, and that he isn’t a ‘young hope’ anymore at age 32. 
7. Let brother Mitchell Marsh know that he is expected to be a mutant combination of New Zealand’s Jimmy Neesham and England’s Ben Stokes. 
8. Tell Steve Smith repeatedly that he is a right-handed Chanderpaul at the crease, and that Joe Root, Kane Williamson and Virat Kohli have sleepovers without him every week. 
9. Bring back Pat Cummins, Pattinson, Siddle, Bollinger and convince Ryan Harris to bowl with a broken body. 
10.  Tell the team that for every tear Michael Clarke continues to shed on television, and for every biased opinion Shane Warne passes in the commentary booth, they will be docked match fees. 

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

7 × = forty two

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>

More in Cricket

  • Gujarat’s Ranji Trophy Fairytale

    A month ago, I stood in one of Ahmedabad’s famous optician stores. I observed the customers as I waited for a...

    Rahul DesaiJanuary 17, 2017
  • Chinks in India’s ODI Armour

    India v/s England, ODI series Result: India win first game to lead 1-0 in 3-match series   It ended up becoming...

    Rahul DesaiJanuary 16, 2017
  • Preview: India v/s England, ODI series

    India played only seven ODIs in 2016, and so ex-captain M.S. Dhoni (takes a while to get used to this term) always...

    Rahul DesaiJanuary 11, 2017
  • Ranji Trophy: A Shaw-shot Superstar

    A precocious 13-year-old pint-sized boy holds a bat far too large for him. In fact, his helmet and pads make him...

    Rahul DesaiJanuary 10, 2017
  • Redialling MS Dhoni, The Finisher

    In 2008, on the final day of the fourth and final Test match of the series between India and Australia in...

    Rahul DesaiJanuary 5, 2017
  • Five Important Cricketing Events In 2017

    As of now, two depressingly one-sided tours are underway: Pakistan’s tour of Australia, and Sri Lanka’s tour of South Africa. Both...

    Rahul DesaiJanuary 4, 2017
  • 2016: A Year in Test Cricket

    A few hours ago, Pakistan did a Pakistan, only days after almost chasing down the highest ever Test score against Australia....

    Rahul DesaiDecember 30, 2016
  • Karun Nair: The Everyday Hero

    5th test, India v/s England, Chennai From the top tier of the Northern Stand at the Wankhede stadium last week, in...

    Rahul DesaiDecember 20, 2016
  • The Pakistan We Love 

    1st test, Gabba, Australia v/s Pakistan You start the test match having lost three tests in a row. You were no....

    Rahul DesaiDecember 19, 2016

All articles/blogs are intended to inform, entertain and amuse. We make no representations or guarantees about the truth, accuracy or quality of any content.

Copyright 2016 © Bigtree Entertainment Pvt. Ltd. All Rights Reserved